The Earth Trial
by Tunica Spellcaster
Summary: If ZIM can't even get through an existence evaluation trial, what would happen when he is put on trial on Earth with GIR for a lawyer and Dib as the district attorney? One of my most funny fan fiction's yet. Please read and review!


"THE EARTH TRIAL"

Draft 4

BLACK SCREEN-FLASH BACK/CLIPS OF PREVIOUS EPISODE

Previously on Invader ZIM, Dark Invader crash landed on earth with a warning that MINIMOOSE'S doomsday device was faulty and after three explosions would destroy the entire universe. They travel everywhere, finally able to disarm the thing, after a run-in with the Tallests and the armada. They manage to save the universe but at the cost of crashing down on earth. ZIM'S secret is revealed and a very nerves and non-responsive him, along with an unconscious Dark Invader, a mute Blue Vader, a GIR who's clueless and a MINIMOOSE who can't do anything till ZIM tells him to are rushed away to be experimented on.

GOVERNMENT HOSPITAL, OUTSIDE-NIGHT

We see the armored trucks pull up in front of the hospital. The men open the doors and take out their victims. GIR is taken out in a small force field cage. He screams inside. MINIMOOSE is just held by one of the men, no chains or gags or anything. Blue Vader is taken out in chains but is still struggling and fighting. Dark Invader is taken out of the truck, held on by the armored men. She seems still quite dizzy and out of it. ZIM is the last to be taken out. He has a set of handcuffs on and still looks like a startled goldfish. Cameras crowd them. ZIM looks down in utter disappointment.

GOVERNMENT HOSPITAL, HOLDING CELLS-LATER

We see MINIMOOSE in a cell, floating and doing nothing. GIR sits in his cell playing the harmonica (which he got from gosh knows where). Blue Vader tries knocking down his cell's door but it's no use. ZIM sits in his cell, looking the exact same. Dark Invader lies on the bed in her cell, trying to think of a way to escape.

Blue Vader hits the door again and then slides to the floor, tired. He sighs and looks over at his comrade. He moves his hands.

DARK INVADER: Yes, you can stop, Blue Vader. Save your energy for the plan I'm still trying to think of.

He moves his hands.

DARK INVADER (cont'd): No, nothing yet. But I'll come up with something soon.

GIR plays the final bars of the sad, depressing song on the harmonica, putting his heart and soul into it. He pauses.

He then smiles.

GIR: Now Rock and Roll!

He plays the harmonica rock style. Dark Invader stands up, grabbing a cup on the table next to her bed. She turns it in her hands, and then throws it furiously at GIR'S cell. It hits GIR on the head and he falls over.

GIR (HAPPY AS EVER): Ow! That hurt! DO IT AGAIN!

ZIM finally snaps out of it and becomes aggressive suddenly.

ZIM (VERY ANGRY): I TOLD YOU NOT TO THAT!!!!

DARK INVADER: If your stupid robot annoys me, I'm GONNA DO THAT!!

ZIM: I should destroy you!

DARK INVADER: You can't even destroy this pathetic planet!

Their words become muddled up as we go back to Blue Vader and GIR whose cells are next to one another. They both sigh.

GIR: I don't like it when my master fights.

Blue Vader sits up and moves his hands.

GIR (NOT EVEN SEEING WHAT HE JUST DID): You said it, Tin Man.

Blue Vader shakes his head and begins hitting it on the bars.

DARK INVADER (SCREAMING): You worthless reject!

She begins reaching out to try and strangle ZIM but the bars making it very impossible. ZIM laughs.

ZIM: Who's worthless now?

He begins making faces which makes Dark Invader even more upset. She begins pounding at the bars. The doors to the right of the hall open up and out of them walk two FBI looking agents. Dark Invader stops pounding the bars and watches as they walk through the hall.

FBI GUY: So, which of these creatures should we experiment on first?

FBI WOMAN: How about the Moose thing? It doesn't seem to be that dangerous.

Dark Invader bangs the bars as they walk by. They stop and look at her.

DARK INVADER: You can't do this to us. We have rights too! It's inhuman!

FBI GUY: But you're not human to begin with.

DARK INVADER: I knew that one would come back and bite me. Look, can't we try and defend ourselves before you try and kill us all? Can't we prove to you that we're not aliens?

The two agents think about this for a moment.

FBI WOMAN: We could hold a trial for them.

FBI GUY: It may be fun.

FBI WOMAN: Alright. We'll give you a chance to prove you're not aliens. And then we'll experiment on you.

DARK INVADER: Can we get some information on these "trials"?

FBI GUY: Sure! We'll bring you some books and a computer or two.

DARK INVADER: Thank you.

They continue to walk and exit through the doors at the bottom of the hall. When the doors close, Dark Invader sighs unhappily.

DARK INVADER: We're doomed.

ZIM: Why? You just bought us some time. We can prove ourselves innocent and you can escape and I can…

DARK INVADER: ZIM, both you and I have lost our previous trials. Remember? We were both branded as defectives.

ZIM thinks for a moment.

ZIM: Still. Human trials are probably easier than Irken ones.

DARK INVADER: Some how I doubt that.

LATER

We see Dark Invader sitting on her bed reading a criminology book. She flips through the pages. On the other side, Blue Vader types away on the laptop now put in his cell. GIR in his cell rips through pages. MINIMOOSE floats over a book and seems to be reading it. ZIM paces in his cell.

ZIM: This isn't going to work.

DARK INVADER: A couple of minutes ago, you thought this was a brilliant idea.

ZIM: Humans are stupid and very simple. Our intelligence will be too much for them and they will then see we are truly aliens and then…

Dark Invader sighs and stands. She closes the book and throws it at ZIM. He moves out of the way quickly.

ZIM: HAH!

Dark Invader then throws a second book which hits him in the face this time. He gives an annoyed look, picks it up and scowls at her.

DARK INVADER: Read that. You and I have to win this trial so your "intelligent mind" has to know what we're doing.

ZIM (OPENING THE BOOK): You know, you never told me what happened to you. Why were you put on trial? What did you do?

DARK INVADER

More like what didn't I do.

ZIM: What?

DARK INVADER: When I younger, I was told I had to be an invader. I didn't like it. I saw no point in trying to conquer other planets when we had a perfectly good one of our own. I refused to go through the training and missions assigned to me. Tallest Miyuki didn't appreciate that. She put me on trial and I was found to be a defective.

ZIM: How did you escape?

DARK INVADER: I ripped off my PAK as it was being drained and made a run for it. Judgementia's security system isn't that brilliant, you know?

ZIM: But how did you survive? Without your PAK, you'd only have ten minutes to live.

DARK INVADER: Where I sucked at being an invader, I excelled at technology. I was able to make a temporary PAK in those ten minutes. I escaped the planet on a ship I stole from one of the aliens there and called on old allies for help. I got a suit for myself, a proper power source to keep me going and a secret identity…or I _did_…till you told the Tallest who I was!

ZIM: I am loyal to my empire, unlike you!

Dark Invader suddenly remembers what had happened. She slams a book on the floor and looks at ZIM furiously.

DARK INVADER: You sold me out…after I helped you escape!

ZIM: Can we go back to the "you helping me escape" bit we had going there for a moment?

DARK INVADER: Why bother? You can become a lab experiment for all I care! Blue Vader! Get up and activate MGS22 programming.

He moves his hands.

DARK INVADER (cont'd): Yes, we're escaping! I've had it with this planet and this invader!

The two of them press a few buttons on their gloves and reach out to each other. Small sparks fly from their gloves and the bars groan. They suddenly stick to the bars and are being pulled towards each other, like there were powerful magnets in their gloves. They groan as the bars begin moving. GIR begins sliding on the floor and then sticks onto the bars too. ZIM turns around as his PAK gets stuck to the bars too. He groans as it feels like its coming off. The Dark Invader and Blue Vader's bars finally break and they smack into each other, the bars separating them from one another. They press something on their gloves very awkwardly and finally separate from each other. GIR and ZIM fall to the ground of their cells. Dark Invader and Blue Vader dust their armor slightly and walk past the others.

DARK INVADER: Good bye, Invader ZIM. Good luck with that trial of yours. You're going to need it.

They walk away and ZIM stands there, absolutely shocked.

ZIM: I'm doomed.

GIR: I have a plan! WANNA HEAR IT?

ZIM (SIGHING): Fine, GIR. What is your plan?

GIR: I shall be your lawyer and help you win the case, like the ones I saw on that TV show called…

ZIM: GIR, you don't even know what a lawyer is.

GIR: Sure I do! It's the person who wears that white fluffy wig and bangs the hammer on the table and shouts "ORDER! ORDER!" and stuff. And then everybody orders food and then everyone's happy! YAAY!

ZIM: GIR! That's not a lawyer! That's a judge!

GIR: Oh. I can be a judge! YAAY!

ZIM sighs.

ZIM: I'm doomed!

COURT ROOM, DAY-NEXT DAY

ZIM and GIR walk into the court room. GIR wears a red tie and carries a suit case. ZIM wears a black tie. ZIM and GIR go to their desk and on the other side of them is DIB. ZIM screams and charges up to him.

ZIM: What the dookie are you doing here!?

DIB: I heard you were going to trial and decided to tag along. I'm going to make sure you stay in prison and get experimented on, ZIM. I'm not going to loose to you again.

ZIM: You can try, DIB. But I shall be winning this round!

Dib looks behind ZIM and sees GIR hitting the suit case on the desk, trying to open it.

DIB: Some how, I really don't think so. If that's your lawyer, I've already won.

ZIM: Don't underestimate my SIR unit. He's much more advanced than any other creature on this filthy planet.

GIR starts jumping on it, still try to open it. ZIM gets an annoyed look and looks at DIB.

ZIM :I AM ZIM!

He goes and sits down. He knocks GIR onto the floor and opens the suit case. He gives a confused look.

ZIM: GIR, all that's in here is a taco and a rubber piggy.

GIR grabs the taco and eats it in one bite.

GIR: Yeah, I was hungry.

ZIM: Where are your documents?

GIR: What documents?

ZIM: THE DOCUMENTS THAT ARE GOING TO HELP US WIN THIS CASE?!

GIR: Oh, that. We don't need any! I'm making it up as I go along.

ZIM: I'M DOOMED! DOOOOOMED!

People walk into the court room as the bailiff begins talking.

BAILIFF: Court is now in session. Judge Sammy preceding. The case of ZIM the alien pleading that he is not an alien. How does the defendant plead?

GIR: Like this. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!! My MASTER is NOT an alien! He's just weird! PLEASE!

JUDGE: O-kay. Let this trial begin then. Dib, you're here to try and convince us that ZIM is an alien. Why don't you start?

DIB: Thank you, your honor. ZIM is obviously an alien because…

ZIM: YOU LIE!!!!

JUDGE: Order, order in the court room!

GIR: I'll have a tuna sandwich!

JUDGE: Do you want to be held in contempt?

GIR: No, I'm already happy!

DIB: Can I continue?

JUDGE: Please do.

DIB: ZIM is…

ZIM: You lie!

DIB: ZIM is…

ZIM: You lie!

DIB (SPEAKING RAPPIDLY TO FIT IN HIS SENTENCE): ZIM is an alien because just look at him. He's go two fingers instead of four, antennae, pink eyes, green skin! Any idiot can tell that he's an alien!

ZIM takes a moment.

ZIM: YOU LIE!!!!

JUDGE: You say that one more time and I'll throw you out of this court room!

ZIM: I'll be good.

JUDGE: What does the defendant have to say to that?

GIR: He LIES!

The judge sighs.

GIR (cont'd): My master has a few flaws. What normal human doesn't? He could even be a monkey! That would be nice. A monkey.

GIR laughs. ZIM looks very depressed.

JUDGE: Um, sir, focus. Why do you keep calling him "your master"?

GIR: Because he IS my master! I'm his slave robot! I do whatever he says…most of the time.

People begin to whisper. ZIM puts his head on the table, and then begins to bang it.

DIB: My point exactly.

JUDGE: It does seem quite suspicious. Call up your witnesses, Dib.

ZIM (WHISPERING TO GIR): Do we have any of those?

GIR (WHISPERING BACK VERY LOUDLY): WHAT?

ZIM (STILL WHISPERING): Witnesses? DO we have any?

GIR (SMILING): What's a witness?

ZIM: Never mind.

Dib calls up a few of ZIM'S classmates. The first looks sick and is sweating.

DIB: Now, tell me: what did ZIM do to you?

CHILD: He replaced my organs with stuff, like a soda can and paper clips and…stuff.

ZIM: That's not true! It was a book. Uh, I mean…YOU L…uh, never mind.

DIB: Next witness, please.

A new child appears in the seat. It's Poonchy with a PAK still strapped to his back.

DIB: What did he do to you?

POONCHY: He put this thing on my back. I-I can't get it off! IT HURTS! He-he also made people, you know, police people, come to my house. It was weird.

ZIM: In my defense, I was just trying to be nice. That thing on his back is, uh, the LATEST FASHION! Yeah, everyone is wearing one nowadays.

DIB: Like who?

ZIM: FASHION PEOPLE!

Dib looks at him. ZIM frowns. He knows he's loosing.

DIB: Next witness, please.

ZIM: How many witnesses is he aloud!?

The next child appears in the seat. It's Keef.

DIB: What did he do to you?

KEEF: Nothing really. He did rip my eyes out and he did make me explode, but he's still the bestest friend I've EVER HAD!

DIB: See what he has done to this poor, poor boy? He's made him crazy.

ZIM: Didn't you help me make Keef explode that day?

DIB: So you admit to making him explode!?

People whisper loudly.

ZIM (PANICKED): NO! NO! It's just…! DIB, YOU HORRIBLE HUMAN!

JUDGE: ORDER! ORDER! SILENCE, EVERYONE! Calm down! Let's break for lunch and then we shall continue.

As people get up and leave, Dib walks past ZIM, smiling.

DIB (TAUNTING ZIM): I'm going to w-in, I'm going to w-in! Say your prays, ZIM, because there's no way you're going to beat me this time.

He walks away laughing. ZIM looks at the audience, frowning.

BLACKNESS-BREAK

LUNCH HALL-LATER

We see ZIM sitting over a tray of food with hand cuffs on again. It looks very familiar. He sticks his tongue out and moves it to one side. GIR begins eating it instead.

ZIM: I have to think of something and QUICKLY!

GIR: Why? We're winning!

ZIM: GIR! We're doing TERRIBLY! If you open your mouth again in that court room, we're never going to escape this place. We have to escape another way.

GIR: How then?

ZIM looks around the room. He sees a window with bars across it. He then sees the door which is guarded by a huge and scary looking security guard. ZIM frowns and looks around some more. He sees an old and dirty air vent. He smiles.

ZIM: I think I've found our escape route. COME, quickly, GIR!

GIR: But I'm still having lunch.

ZIM grabs GIR and tip toes up to the air vent. He opens the cover and people look at him. He points to behind the people.

ZIM: Uh…look over there! It's something…really cool and…NORMAL!

They turn around and ZIM quickly crawls into the vent with GIR.

PERSON: It's just a wall.

INSIDE THE VENT

ZIM and GIR crawl through the vent. ZIM groans as he hits his head on the top of it by accident.

ZIM: OH! This is smaller than I thought! No matter. Let's head back to the holding cells, grab MINIMOOSE and go home. We'll sort the rest out later!

GIR: Do you hear something, master?

We hear the metal groan. ZIM looks down.

ZIM: That can't be good.

The metal tears apart and ZIM and GIR fall out screaming. They open their eyes and find they are back in the court room.

JUDGE: Oh, good. You're here. Shall we continue?

ZIM (SIGHING): Go ahead.

JUDGE: Well, now it's your turn to call up some witnesses.

GIR (STANDING): The defense would like to call up Dib whatever his last name is.

DIB: Me?

ZIM (WHISPERING TO GIR) : What are you doing?

GIR: Trust me on this! I have a plan.

Dib takes a seat on the stand as GIR begins circling it.

GIR (cont'd): Now, tell me: when did you suspect my master was an alien?

DIB: Didn't we go through…?

GIR: ANSWER THE QUESTION!

DIB: When he first arrived in our classroom on his first day of school.

GIR: What did he do that made you think he was an alien?

DIB (TURNING TO THE JUDGE): Do I really have to answer that?

JUDGE: No, you've covered enough details on _why _you think he's an alien. You know, you really need to think about getting a hobby, son. Um, lawyer person…robot thingy? Please ask a proper question.

GIR thinks for a moment.

GIR: Do you like tacos?

ZIM: GIR!

GIR: Oh right. The defense would like to call for a recess.

JUDGE: We just had one.

GIR: Well, we were busy escaping so I couldn't finish lunch.

ZIM (STANDING UP): GIR!!

People begin whispering and gasping again.

JUDGE (LOOKS TO ZIM): Is that true?

ZIM: Of course not! He's crazy! IRNORE HIM!

JUDGE: Alright. If you're done questioning Dib, you may sit down.

Dib steps off the stand as GIR sits down.

DIB: I would like to include evidence and exhibits that ZIM is an alien, your honor.

JUDGE: How many?

DIB: Only a few.

He grabs a file from his desk. He takes out a photo of ZIM burning as water splashes on him.

DIB: Exhibit A: When ZIM was splashed with water. It sizzled against his skin.

ZIM: I…uh…I…

Dib take out another photo. It's one of ZIM with a pimple.

DIB: Exhibit B: When ZIM got a pimple. It was about the size of an orange. AND IT GREW which is NOT NORMAL for any human.

ZIM: I HAVE A SKIN CONDITION!

DIB: I have billions of other exhibits but I think this one will top them all.

He puts the file down and grabs a chocolate bar from his pocket. ZIM sweats.

DIB: The one thing that ZIM cannot do is eat human food.

He walks up to the desk and waves it in ZIM'S face. ZIM moves backwards.

DIB (cont'd): What's wrong ZIM? Don't you at least want to taste it?

ZIM (KNOCKING THE CANDY BAR FROM HIS HAND): Stop it! I…uh…had a big lunch.

DIB: Did any one see ZIM eat at lunch?

People whisper and shake their heads. Dib grins.

ZIM: Did I say lunch? I meant…uh…breakfast?

DIB: I rest my case, your honor.

Dib takes a seat and smiles to himself. ZIM panics.

JUDGE: Well this has been an interesting case. Before I give a ruling, are there any other matters the defense would like to clear up? Any thing to add to this trial? No? Okay then. My verdict is that…

The doors then suddenly open wide and out of them steps a tall, slim woman with near white skin, a black suit and skirt and black make-up, just like the woman we saw in "Hunted".

WOMAN: WAIT!

Everyone turns around and looks at her as she walks down the aisle.

WOMAN: Sorry for being late. Got stuck in…um, traffic. I am ZIM'S actual lawyer, not that robot. He pleads not alien by reason of insanity.

EVERYONE: WHAT?

WOMAN: Yes. You see, if you haven't already noticed, he's crazy, though definitely not an alien.

DIB: What do you mean he's not…?

The woman sticks a sucker in his mouth. He gives her a nasty look and tries removing it, but it's stuck. He struggles trying to get it out while she continues talking.

WOMAN: My defendant was preparing a costume party. His pet dog and him are just in costume. They're not from another planet or any other nonsense like that.

JUDGE: But then why hasn't he taken it off yet?

WOMAN: This is crazy part I was telling you about. Watch.

She grabs ZIM'S antennae and pulls them off. Underneath is his wig! She removes his pink eyes and reveals him to have normal, human eyes. ZIM gives her a confused look. She grabs GIR'S head and pulls it off. His doggy costume is revealed. Dib looks at them in shock.

JUDGE: Well, that explains a lot…

Dib rips the sweet out of his mouth and screams in pain.

DIB: But wait! What about his base?! They found him on top of a mound of metal and dirt with a space ship behind them. And what about the other aliens found with him!?

WOMAN: That was his party's theme: The aliens are coming. And were there really aliens behind him?

DIB: They were brought in with him!!

WOMAN: Check the cells. They're empty.

DIB: I don't believe this…!

WOMAN: That's a first. I did some research on you, Dib. Apparently this isn't the first time you've "cried alien". Many other calls to the police and news stations include you seeing ghosts, Bigfoot, vampires, werewolves, need I go on?

DIB: But, but…

JUDGE: She's right. ZIM, you're not an alien. You're just weird. You're free to go.

ZIM raises his arms in the air.

ZIM: Success!

DIB: BUT, BUT!

JUDGE: And you are going to jail for two months for wasting all our time! Take him away, bailiff.

The bailiff grabs Dib and takes him away kicking and screaming.

JUDGE: Court adjourned.

People leave the court room. ZIM looks at the woman as a man, also in a suit stands next to her.

ZIM: Who are you?

The woman presses a button on her wrist and their shapes change to the Dark Invader and Blue Vader.

ZIM (cont'd): YOU CAME BACK FOR ME!

DARK INVADER: That's right.

ZIM: How did you do that? Take my antennae off and stuff?

DARK INVADER: My holographic system. Works every time.

GIR: YAAY!

He jumps and hugs her. She grabs him and throws him on the floor.

DARK INVADER (UPSET): We came back for you for a reason, ZIM. You see, both mine and Blue Vader's ships are destroyed because of you!

She grabs ZIM by the collar.

DARK INVADER (cont'd): You're going to fix them for us!

ZIM: But how?

DARK INVADER: Don't care. But until they're done, we're stuck on this stupid planet. Guess where we're going to stay?

ZIM frowns. Then looks up to the ceiling and screams.

ZIM: !!!!!!!

A moment passes.

DARK INVADER: Are you done?

ZIM: Yeah, let's go.

They walk out of the court room and hear Dib screaming in the background.

DIB (FROM NOWHERE): I'm innocent! It's ZIM! HE'S THE ALIEN! HELP ME!!!

CUT INTO BLACK

THE END


End file.
